James Ellis also acquired Xbox Live with Halo 2. I started to play it with him online, and our friendship
reignited after being stale for the previous year. We would meet up online after school, or on Saturday
mornings. The two of us battled on Halo 2 over the internet, just like we did with our Nintendo 64
games when we were children.
James would be my only friend throughout the next depressing and lonely period of my life. My
friendship with James helped me cope with the loneliness. The very few fun times we would have were
like a light in the darkness for me.
Now that I was able to play World of Warcraft at my mother's house with no limitations, aside from
school and homework, I became very addicted to the game and my character in it. It was all I cared
I was so immersed in the game that I no longer cared about what people thought of me. I only saw
school as something that took time away from WoW. I became very bored at school, mainly due to the
fact that I was still the invisible quiet kid. To alleviate this boredom, I started to act weird and annoying
to people just to gain attention.
I became known as the "weird kid" at Pinecrest, and people started to make fun of me, but I didn't
care. I had my online games to distract me from the harsh realities of life that I was too scared to face.
The only time I did care was when a group of popular Seventh Grade girls started teasing me, which hurt
a lot. One of these girls was Monette Moio, a pretty blonde girl who was Ashton's younger sister. She
must have thought I was an ultimate loser. I hated her so much, and I will never forget her. I started to
hate all girls because of this. I saw them as mean, cruel, and heartless creatures that took pleasure from
At father's house, I was forced to change my bedroom to the downstairs room that Tracy once
occupied. My old bedroom was to be given to my baby brother... Soumaya was due to give birth to him
very soon. I was quite annoyed at this. That room was the room that made me so enthusiastic about
moving to that house. Father and Soumaya thought moving me was the best solution. The new baby
would get a room close to them, and I would have the much bigger downstairs room.
When I moved to the downstairs room, I slowly agreed that it was the sensible thing to do. My new
room was twice the size of my old one, I still had my own bathroom, and I also had the hallway that led
to it. Technically, I had the whole bottom floor of the three story house to myself. The only bad thing
about this was that I would get scared to walk down those stairs at night when it's dark... the light switch
was at the bottom of the stairs. I've always been afraid of the dark.
Soumaya gave birth to a newborn baby boy, and they named him Jazz. It happened during father's
week. While father and Soumaya were at the hospital, Alex Bubenheim picked us up from school and we
stayed at his house in the afternoons. This occurred for three days, and finally, on the day of the birth,
father showed up to announce the birth of Jazz. We had a little celebration, and the song "Jessie's Girl"
played from Alex's sound system. Whenever I heard that song in the future, I would always think of that
It was an exciting day. I actually had a brother... It was hard to believe. Technically he is my half-
brother, but I would always term him as my brother. I wasn't as impacted by his birth as I expected
myself to be, possibly because I was so caught up in my own personal and emotional changes that I was
going through at that stage.
Spring break came up, the first break from school since I started playing WoW. I considered myself
extremely fortunate that I was at my mother's house for that week. I disliked being at father's house,
because I had so many limits on the amount of time I could play my game. On the onset of spring break,
I planned to spend the whole time on WoW, leveling up my character and forgetting about my horrible
I invited James to come over to my mother's apartment for the first time. We played a round of Halo
2, and then I decided to show him World of Warcraft. He knew nothing about it. I was very eager to get
him into it. WoW was his kind of game, after all. He seemed very interested.
We went to father's house for Easter Sunday. He took us to a party held by some new friends of his,
the Thompsons. Alongside the Bubenheims, the Thompsons became frequent guests at my father's
dinner parties. They consisted of John Thompson, a successful film producer, and his wife Tatiana. They
had three children: Isabella, the oldest daughter, was two years younger than me, and the twins Josh
and Alessandra were the same age as my sister.
On the first day me and my sister met them, and I believe it was on that Easter Sunday, we played
with them splendidly in their backyard. But soon, after they came over a few more times, I began to
have uneasy feelings of nervousness and fear around the two girls, mainly because I thought all girls
hated me. The way I was treated by girls at my school played a big part in my resentment towards all of
them during this time. This resentment would only grow larger the more I am treated unfairly by the
Mother took us to the premiere of Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. As a huge Star Wars fan,
this was a big day for me. Episode 3 would complete the whole Star Wars saga. It was the most
anticipated movie. To be able to see it before everyone else made me feel special. I really liked the
character Anakin Skywalker, and I was amazed to see his epic transformation into Darth Vader on the
high quality big screen.
Finally having something to brag about, I told everyone at school the next day that I went to the
premiere because my mother is friends with George Lucas. The problem was that most Eighth Graders
thought of Star Wars as being a "nerdy" interest, and they didn't really care. I was left frustrated and
disappointed by their reaction.
As middle school approached its ultimate end, I was having a miserable time there. I was extremely
unpopular, widely disliked, and viewed as the weirdest kid in the school. I had to act weird in order to
gain attention. I was tired of being the invisible shy kid. Infamy is better than total obscurity.
The teasing I received was bittersweet. It felt horrible to be teased and bullied... it caused me a lot of
pain and anger... but at the same time I got a kick out of getting so much attention. It felt good to be
confident enough to pick fights with the popular skateboarder kids. It was either that, or continue to be
ignored by everyone like I was in Sixth and Seventh Grade. I never knew how to gain positive attention,
My experience during Middle School really darkened my view of the world, and it would only get
darker from then on, as I suffered more and more. The way I was treated by girls at this time, especially
by that evil bitch Monette Moio, sparked an intense fear of girls. The funny part of this is that I had a
secret crush on Monette. She was the first girl I ever had a crush on, and I never admitted it to anyone.
To be teased and ridiculed by the girl I had a crush on wounded me deeply. The world that I grew up
thinking was bright and blissful was all over. I was living in a depraved world, and I didn't want to accept
it. I didn't want to give any thought to it. That is why I immersed myself entirely into my online games
like World of Warcraft. I felt safe there.
I was so obsessed with playing WoW that I never gave much serious thought to the fact that I would
have to go to High School soon. As the end of middle school neared, the prospect started to loom over
me more and more. At one moment I pictured what my life in high school would be like, based on how
things have been for me in middle school. It was not a bright picture. I didn't want to have to deal with
the cruelty of girls in high school, and I imagined that it would be much worse than anything I've ever
experienced. I begged my parents to send me to Crespi Carmelite High School, a catholic all-boys school.
Father took me there for a tour, and it didn't look so bad. It was a very prestigious private school. At
least I wouldn't have to deal with any fear of girls there. We submitted an application. A few weeks later
I received the news that I had been accepted to Crespi.
Eighth Grade Graduation was a nightmare. Everyone was required to go up on stage and speak to the
whole audience. We had to say our name, and tell everyone what school we were planning on going to.
The audience consisted of all of the student's families, as well as any siblings or friends who wished to
attend. Both of my parents came, as well as Soumaya, Khadija, my sister, and even my baby brother
It took place in the evening. As I lined up, I could feel myself shaking. I was scared even to speak in
front of a classroom. To speak in a microphone to hundreds of people was too much. I didn't understand
how everyone else seemed to be fine with it. I envied their bravery. When my name was called, I didn't
want to go, but it was required of me, and I pushed myself to do it. I walked up to the microphone and
nervously said "My name is Elliot, and I plan on going to Crespi High School". I heard my own voice in
the speakers and saw everyone staring at me. It made me cringe. I quickly walked away for the next
person to go up. It was over. Eighth Grade was over. Middle School was over.
I said a few farewells to the people I knew. Alfred Graham and Brice Miller told me they were going to
Crespi as well. At least I will know two people at Crespi on the first day, I thought.
The thought of going to High School sent a shiver through me. I put it in the back of my mind to deal
After the ceremony, I said goodbye to the principal, and she congratulated me on completing middle
school. On the way home, my family seemed very proud of me. I didn't feel proud. I didn't feel like I
accomplished anything. Middle School, though it started out ok in the first two years, ended up being a
For the summer break, I planned on spending the whole time playing WoW and forgetting about
everything else. I reached the highest level on my WoW character: level 60. I actually considered this to
be a huge and important accomplishment. I joined a guild with my character, and I made a few online
friends though it. I couldn't wait to play my character further, exploring everything the game had to
offer and collecting more armor pieces and trinkets.
In just a week into my summer break, my mother told me that father and Soumaya were going to
Morocco, and I would be forced to go with them. This news upset me tremendously. I then asked how
long this trip would be, and I was told it would be eight weeks. EIGHT WEEKS?! I could not believe what I
was hearing. I threw a big tantrum.
For one thing, I was never enthusiastic about Morocco. The country is very backwards, and that made
me very uncomfortable. They didn't even have the latest video games. And to be forced to go there for
eight weeks? That would take up the entire summer and the first two weeks of high school. It was even
longer than the last time we went, and I thought that was too long. I wouldn't be able to play WoW at
all for two whole months. The prospect devastated me. I begged my mother to not let me go, but father
and Soumaya insisted on bringing me and Georgia, and my mother was probably looking forward to
having two months without children to look after. The decision was made, the plans were set. They
already had a plane ticket ready for me. I was going to Morocco. I bet they all knew I would protest
against going, which is why they told me last minute.
The last day of mother's week was the day before we would depart. Mother took me and my sister to
a barbeque at the house of her friends Alan and Rebecca. I was very sad for the whole day. I didn't do
anything at the barbeque except swing on their swing in misery. When we got home I played WoW for
the very last time. I took advantage of the few hours I had left on it. My mother allowed me to stay up
until midnight playing. I acquired a very nice piece of armor for my character. I didn't want to leave it.
When we arrived at father's house the next day, I heard even more upsetting news. Father had to
work for the first few weeks of summer, so he would joining us in the middle of the trip. It was only
Soumaya taking us to Morocco! I always hated traveling with Soumaya. She made everything so difficult.
Baby Jazz will be coming along with us, of course, and the stress of looking after a whelping baby while
traveling will put Soumaya in a bad mood. I was not happy at all.
As I expected, the journey there was a disaster. Baby Jazz cried a lot during the trip, and Soumaya
wasn't at her best of moods. We didn't take First Class, and we had to make three stops; once in
Michigan, again in Paris, and yet again in Casablanca, before taking a small plane to Tangier. It was a
miserable journey, the complete opposite of the great time I had a year ago on the trip to Malaysia.
We took a taxi to Khadija's house right after we arrived. Khadija went home to Morocco on a
different plane a few days before us, and she was already settled in. After unpacking at Khadija's house,
we walked to Soumaya's father's huge house where I met Ayman again. I remembered playing with
Ayman on my last trip to Morocco... He grew up a lot since then. To my dismay, he was taller and
stronger than me, despite being two years younger. I was always short and physically weak... that's how
it's been all my life. We instantly became friends again after catching up a little, and I played hide-and-
seek tag with him and his two younger brothers.
I disliked having to be in Morocco for the whole summer, but I tried to make the best of it. Ayman
made the time I spent there more fun. We often went out by ourselves to explore the city of Tangier.
Ayman knew where everything was, and Soumaya trusted him to show me around. Georgia sometimes
came with us. We had a few good times together, and we got along well.
The Thompsons joined us in Morocco a couple of weeks after we arrived. Georgia was happy that
Alessandra, Josh, and Isabella were there to play with her. I was not happy about it. I was so scared of
girls at that time that I kept my distance from Alessandra and Isabella. I didn't want to admit to Ayman
that I was scared of girls though, that would have been embarrassing, so I just told him that I thought
they were too immature. He didn't understand this, because I myself was very immature at the time.
For my 14th birthday, Soumaya organized a small party at her father's house. Most of the guests were
her Moroccan friends, and some of them didn't even know that the party was for my birthday. I was a
bit annoyed by this. They had a cake arranged for me, and when it was brought out everyone gathered
to wish me a happy birthday. That would be the last time I spent my birthday with more people than
just my family. I was amazed that I was actually fourteen. Fourteen sounded like such a big number. I
didn't feel fourteen. I still felt like a kid, and in all appearances, I was.
Father couldn't even make it for my birthday. I was a bit upset about this. He came a few days after it.
Once he arrived, we toured around Tangier and a few other areas as a family. Khadija and Ayman
sometimes came along with us. Soumaya's father owned a house on the beach, and we usually went
there for beach trips. I caught a virus while swimming in the ocean once, which caused me to get
extremely ill. I spent a whole week of the vacation in bed, aching and vomiting. I was never that ill
before in my life. Whenever I would think about Morocco in the future, I thought about that horrid
At one time towards the end of the trip, when I had a sleepover with Ayman at Soumaya's father's
house, he showed me some European porn videos in the middle of the night. I could observe the act of
sex in much more detail than that one glimpse I had at Planet Cyber. I didn't want to look, but my
curiosity got the better of me. To see a video of human beings doing such weird and unspeakable things
with each other revolted me. I couldn't understand what I was seeing. And yet, I noticed I was feeling
aroused. I felt desire to do those things, to have sex with the naked women I saw in the video. It was a
funny feeling that overwhelmed my whole body. I could feel my penis getting hard. This is when I
noticed that I was finally going through puberty. Heavens save me.
The trip was way too long, and towards the end I felt depressed and homesick. All I wanted was to go
back home and play WoW, and yet I had to accept that once I did get home, I had to start high school
right away. I supposed that being able to play WoW again would make up for that, though. And it would
sure beat staying in Morocco for any longer. I was growing tired of it.
14 Years Old
I felt a wave of relief when we arrived back in the United States. We had to travel separately from
father again because he had a different flight schedule, but it wasn't that bad on the way back because I
was looking forward to playing WoW again.
I only had one free day before I had to start school. When I got back to mother's house, I gave her a
big hug... That was the longest time I had been away from mother. After that, I immediately asked if I
can go on her computer and play my game. I logged onto my character, which was just the way I left it
two months ago. I said hi to all of my online friends and tried to catch up on everything.
The dreaded day arrived all too soon. I had to start High School. School had already begun while I was
still in Morocco, so I would be the "new kid" again. That made it so much worse. My father drove me
there on the first day. When we got there, I was intimidated by all the huge high school boys, and I cried
in the car for a few minutes, telling my father that I was too scared to get out.
I had to go, and eventually I did. We walked to the main office where I ran into Brice Miller. We
greeted each other before I was led up to join my first class of the day. Alfred Graham was in that class,
and he helped me settle in.
During lunchtime, Alfred showed me around the whole school. I started to feel a lot more
comfortable. He introduced me to some of the other freshmen. In the courtyard, I met Pascal and his
clique of friends. I immediately took a disliking to them. Pascal was cocky and popular, so I felt
intimidated. He was like the Crespi equivalent of Robert Morgan. As I met a few more people, I ran into
Keaton Webber! I didn't expect to find any more people I knew at Crespi. It really took me by surprise. I
hadn't seen Keaton since he left Topanga Elementary at the end of Fourth Grade. Keaton was still the
arrogant jerk he always was at Topanga, and he had his own clique of skateboarder friends, such as
Andy Moussa and Aaron Amman.
As I expected, I failed to make any new friends. I was so overwhelmed by the brutality of the world
that I just didn't care anymore. On the very first week, I had my first experience of true bullying, not just
the teasing I had at Pinecrest. Some horrible Twelfth Graders saw me as a target because I looked like a
ten year old and I was physically weak. They threw food at me during lunchtime and after school. It
enraged me, but I was too scared to do anything about it. What kind of horrible, depraved people would
poke fun at a boy younger than them who has just entered high school? I thought to myself.
After the first few weeks of high school, I concluded that my time at Crespi would not be pleasant at
all. I withdrew further into the World of Warcraft, neglecting my homework and spending all of my free
time playing it.
As a late birthday present, father bought me a new laptop that was able to run WoW. It wasn't a very
powerful laptop, but it performed adequately. This enabled me to have more time playing my game.
During father's week, Soumaya was always on my back about how much time I spent on WoW, but since
my room was on the bottom floor, secluded from the rest of the house, I was able to sneak as much
time on it as I could.
While I was playing WoW after dinner at mother's house once, I heard my sister watching the new
show Avatar: The Last Airbender on the television. I decided to check it out. I soon found myself really
enjoying it. It was a magnificent story set in a fantasy world where people can control the power of the
elements. Once I watched the first episode, I was hooked on the story. Prince Zuko was my favorite
character; he was a banished prince who was trying to regain his rightful place in the world. I always
related to him. Avatar: The Last Airbender became my favorite T.V. show.
My mother informed me that she was just on the phone to Arte Ellis, and he told her that James now
played World of Warcraft. I was very pleased to hear this. I could now share my greatest interest in the
world with my good friend... my only friend. I then went over to James's house for a sleepover, which I
hadn't done for a while. He showed me his WoW character, who was only level 20. We weren't on the
same server, so we couldn't play it together. The only way would be for one of us to start over, and we
were too immersed in our characters to do that. I was fine with that. James was really fascinated by my
level 60 character, and most of the time he would just watch me play, anyway. We also played a lot of
Halo 2 together.
Having these common interests with James reminded me of the good old days when we were
children; when we were both interested in skateboarding, and before that, Pokemon. This nostalgic
experience provided a small respite from my sufferings at school.
My life at Crespi got even worse. Alfred and Brice apparently told everyone how weird I was at
Pinecrest, and people in my own grade started to tease me. They found out that I didn't like being called
a skateboarder, and it was true. Because I failed to become good at skateboarding, I developed a hatred
for the sport, and whenever someone called me a skateboarder, it reminded me of my failure and I got
very angry. The whole school started calling me it just to anger me, along with other insulting names.
They teased me because I was scared of girls, calling me names like "faggot". People also liked to steal
my belongings and run away in an attempt to get me to chase after them. And I did chase after them in
a furious rage, but I was so little and weak that they thought it was comical. I hated everyone at that
school so much.
It got to a point where I had to wait in a quiet corner for the hallways to clear before I could walk to
class. I also took long routes around the school to avoid bullies. My parents began to consider not letting
me continue there after Ninth Grade.
When winter break came, I felt like I had just landed on a peaceful island after swimming through a
horrific storm. It was such a fine relief. The break was to last for three weeks, and I was sorely
disappointed that two of them would be at father's house, while only one was at mother's. I hated being
at father's house because Soumaya became more and more suspicious of how much time I spent playing
WoW, and she would place limits on my playtime whenever she caught me playing it. I wasn't able to do
my five-hour-long events to collect rare armor pieces for my character while I was at father's house.
It was during this winter break that I experienced my first masturbation and ejaculation. It was one of
the most peculiar and memorable experiences of my life. At this point I was officially going through the
stages of puberty, and I had lots of sexual urges. I often fantasized about hot naked girls while rubbing
my penis against my mattress at night. One time, while doing this, I felt an intense stirring numbness all
around my fully erect penis, and it extended all over my body. It felt magical and ecstatic, and I kept
rubbing my penis on the mattress. That was when the orgasm happened. I couldn't believe how much
pleasure I felt from that. I looked down at my penis to see that my semen had poured out all over it, like
a volcanic eruption of white, sticky fluid. What was happening to me? I thought to myself with nervous
excitement. It was like nothing I had ever seen or experienced before, something completely out of my
world. I felt really guilty afterwards, so I refrained from telling anyone about it.
I started to masturbate on a regular basis. At first I only did it by rubbing my penis on my bed, but it
eventually escalated to looking at pictures of girls online while rubbing my penis against my pants,
fantasizing about doing sexual things with them. I didn't know how to access any porn sites, so I would
just browse regular websites until I found a picture of a hot girl to masturbate to.
I developed a very high sex drive, and it would always remain like this. This was the start of hell for
me. Going through puberty utterly doomed my existence. It condemned me to live a life of suffering and
unfulfilled desires. Even at that young age, I felt depressed because I wanted sex, yet I felt unworthy of
it. I didn't think I was ever going to experience sex in reality, and I was right. I never did. I was finally
interested in girls, but there was no way I could ever get them. And so my starvation began.
The boys in my grade talked about sex a lot. Some of them even told me that they had sex with their
girlfriends. This was the most devastating and traumatizing thing I've ever heard in my life. Boys having
sex at my age of Fourteen? I couldn't fathom it. How is it that they were able to have such intimate and
pleasurable experiences with girls while I could only fantasize about it? I frequently started asking
myself. This was an all-boys school... How in the hell were those boys even able to meet girls to have sex
with? I wondered. I hoped they were lying. I hoped against all hope. Hearing that really shook me to the
core. Words cannot describe how much hatred and envy I felt for those boys. That hatred would only
fester the more I suffer from my sexual starvation. I was too scared to tell anyone about it, and I hid it
well... for a time.
These recent events cause me to withdraw even further away from the world. I drowned all of my
misery in my online games. World of Warcraft was the only thing I had left to live for. My grades at
Crespi dropped dramatically. I just didn't care anymore. I hated that school. I didn't think about my
future. The only thing I gave any serious thought to was my WoW character. I had become very powerful
in the game, and I was in one of the best guilds. With this guild, I participated in lots of five-hour raid
events to collect better gear and armor for my character.
Mother moved to a new house with a swimming pool that she was able to lease for a fair price. She
picked me and my sister up from father's house and took us there as a surprise. It was located near the
old blue house, though in a nicer area. This was on a day that I had an event on WoW in the afternoon,
and I was very concerned about whether or not I would make it in time, so when we got to the new
house I didn't even look around and immediately hooked up my laptop to play WoW. I was that
After being bullied so much in Eighth and Ninth Grade, I became more shy and timid than I ever was
in my life. I felt very small, weak, and above all, worthless. I cried by myself at school every day.
The very last day of Ninth Grade was the worst. I was having P.E. at the gym, and one of my
obnoxious classmates named Jesse was bragging about having sex with his girlfriend. I defiantly told him
that I didn't believe him, so he played a voice recording of what sounded like him and his girlfriend
having sex. I could hear a girl saying his name over and over again while she panted franticly. He grinned
at me smugly. I felt so inferior to him, and I hated him. It was at that moment that I was called to the
office. When I got there, my mother was waiting for me to take me home. I cried heavily as I told her
about what happened earlier. That was the last day I ever set foot in Crespi Carmelite High School.
Crespi was finished. I thought I could finally relax. Little did I know that the worst was yet to come.
My parents shocked me with very horrible news. They were planning on sending me to Taft High
School. Taft had five times as many students as Crespi, it was a public school, it had girls in it, and it had
a bad reputation. I had never been so scared in my entire life. How could they do this to me, after
knowing what I went through at Crespi? Taft High School would eat me alive and spit me out. I felt so
betrayed by my parents.
On top of that, they told me I had to go to summer school at Taft very soon. I failed a few classes at
Crespi and I had to make up for them. The summer was supposed to be a time of peace and relaxation.
This was turning out to be the worst summer of my life.
I went with my parents to the Taft Orientation event, and it was a horrific experience. I felt so
dismayed at how large the school was, and how intimidating all of the tall students were. I even begged
my parents to send me back to Crespi, because I knew Taft would be much worse.
I had a foul time at summer school. I remember how I used to hate it when my parents made me go
to summer camp. Summer camp was like heaven compared to summer school at Taft. I got lost on the
first day. I was so terrified that I hid in the hallways during break time. I spent my time at summer school
gruelingly waiting to go home so I could feel safe playing WoW.
My 15th Birthday was in the midst of this summer school term. I was so miserable during this period
that I didn't even give much thought to it. It was so uneventful that I barely remember anything about it.
I believe I just had dinner with my mother and played WoW afterwards.
15 Years Old
Toxic is the word that describes my first day of Tenth Grade at Taft High School. It was a toxic
nightmare. Every single second of it was agony. I continued to beg my parents to not make me go, but it
was to no avail. My father drove me there, and I didn't want to get out of his car. He almost had to drag
me out. I somehow found the will to put one foot in front of the other and walk towards that awful, ugly
The first week of Taft was living hell. I was bullied several times, even though I didn't know anyone
there. After being so used to wearing a polo shirt with khaki pants as a school uniform at private
schools, I continued to dress like that even after leaving Crespi. I didn't give any thought to how nerdy I
looked. I was too withdrawn, like a turtle tucked into his shell. I was still in the process of going through
puberty at the time, so I still looked and sounded like a ten-year-old. Such a persona attracted zero
attention from girls, of course, but it did attract bullies like moths to a flame.
I was completely and utterly alone. No one knew me or extended a hand to help me. I was an
innocent, scared little boy trapped in a jungle full of malicious predators, and I was shown no mercy.
Some boys randomly pushed me against the lockers as they walked past me in the hall. One boy who
was tall and had blonde hair called me a "loser", right in front of his girlfriends. Yes, he had girls with
him. Pretty girls. And they didn't seem to mind that he was such an evil bastard. In fact, I bet they liked
him for it. This is how girls are, and I was starting to realize it. This was what truly opened my eyes to
how brutal the world is. The most meanest and depraved of men come out on top, and women flock to
these men. Their evil acts are rewarded by women; while the good, decent men are laughed at. It is sick,
twisted, and wrong in every way. I hated the girls even more than the bullies because of this. The sheer
cruelty of the world around me was so intense that I will never recover from the mental scars. Any
experience I ever had before never traumatized me as much as this.
I couldn't do it anymore. On the morning before the second week of Taft started, I broke down and
cried in front of my mother, begging her not to make me go to that horrible place. I was so scared that I
felt physically sick. I continued crying in the car on the way there, and my mother gave in. Instead of
taking me to school, we went to the cafe at Gelson's in Calabasas where we had a big talk. I tried to
explain how much I was suffering there. She just could not take me to school after that. When we were
finished with Gelsons's, she drove me to my father's house and told him about what happened. They
agreed to take me out of Taft.
I didn't go to school for a month while my parents decided what to do with me. I took advantage of
the time to rest and recover at home, playing my online games. The pain and suffering I had to endure
at Taft was all over, but the scars would remain. I tried to forget about it as much as I could. I took a
deep breath and relaxed.
After a month of recovery, my parents took me to look at two continuation high schools, which
operate like home-schooling because you only spend three hours a day there and do the rest of the
work at home. One of them was right next to El Camino High School, the other one was in Van Nuys. My
parents preferred the one in Van Nuys because they felt it was more structured and organized. It was
called Independence High School, and they decided to send me there.
Independence was a very small school with only three buildings and 100 students. The teachers were
all very nice and understanding, and it had a relaxed and calm environment. I figured this was the best
option for me.
A week later, I started going to Independence High School. I didn't like any of the students there, as
they were all slobs with the exception of two or three boys. This wasn't a major concern, because I
didn't care about having a social life at the point. All I wanted to do was hide away from the cruel world
by playing my online games, and Independence High School gave me the perfect opportunity to do just
that. I only had to be at school for three or four hours per day, and all of the work was very easy with
teachers available to help me with anything. After those short school hours, I had all the time in the
world to do whatever I wanted, and I spent it playing World of Warcraft.
One drawback was that I had to take the bus to school because my parents couldn't pick me up at
such an early time of the day. Though it was embarrassing, I didn't care about appearances anymore, so
I didn't make a big deal out of it.
This was the perfect set up for a World of Warcraft addict. After school, every day, I fully indulged
myself in my addiction to WoW. My only social interaction was with my online friends and with James,
who would occasionally come over to my house to play WoW with me.
My father's career as a commercial director hadn't been as successful as it was a couple years before.
He foolishly decided to invest all of his money in his first feature film, a documentary named "Oh My
God". In the film, he would interview various people about their opinions on religion and God. To make
it, he took off to travel all over the world for a few months. Despite this, the one week-one week
arrangement remained, and during father's week I had to stay at father's house with only Soumaya. This
frustrated me tremendously, because Soumaya has always been a pain to live with, and she would
obstruct my time on WoW. I was hopeful about father's movie, however. He kept talking about how he
will become very rich from it, and I fostered a hope that he would become rich. How naive I was... the
movie would only bankrupt him in the future.
On top of this, I had to deal with another change at father's house that angered me to no end. I had
to give up my lovely, huge, and luxurious downstairs room. It was all because baby Jazz got a new nanny.
Once again, Jazz's existence caused me to lose my room at father's house. This time, father made my
room into his new office. He split his old office into two bedrooms, in which I got one of them and the
nanny got the other. My new room was much smaller, and it didn't have its own bathroom. My
downstairs room was the best part of being at father's house, and it was all gone. I started to really hate
Father came back shortly for the winter break, before taking off again. A new expansion for World of
Warcraft, called the Burning Crusade, came out in the beginning of January. I was extremely excited for
this expansion. It added many new features to the game, new areas to explore, and raised the level cap
to 70. It was like a whole new WoW game. I asked my father to buy it for me as a Christmas present. I
can still remember the intense anticipation I felt as I installed it onto my laptop.
I decided to transfer my WoW character to the same server as James, so that we could play together
online and level up our characters in the new expansion. Through doing this, I met two of James's
friends from his school, who also played on his server. They were two brothers named Steve and Mark.
Steve is our age, and Mark is a couple years older.
Me, James, Steve, and Mark would then always play together online as a group. I found them quite
fun to play the game with, and it was nice to have some friends to play WoW with on a regular basis.
Eventually, Steve and Mark decided to make new characters on a PvP server, which had play settings
that were more to my liking. I chose to make a new character with them. I made a blood elf character
that I leveled up very fast, and this became my main character in the game. James stayed on his old
server for a while, but within a few weeks we persuaded him to join us on the new one.
I had heated conflicts with Soumaya during every week that I was at father's house. All I wanted to do
was play WoW, and Soumaya strictly limited my playtime. Because my new room was just across from
hers, she knew what I was doing at every single second. She was breathing down my neck the whole
time. She kept making me do chores around the house. I despised doing work around the house,
especially since we had a nanny who was supposed to do it. If I made a scene about doing the work, she
took away my laptop for a day or two. This was the most horrible thing she could do to me, to take away
my only source of joy left in the world. She sometimes did it even when father was at home, and father
didn't lift a finger to stop her.
My first year at Independence high school came to an end very quickly. Nothing eventful really
happened there, and I barely interacted with anyone. I would just go there for my required time, do my
work, and go home. I was too absorbed in my game to care about anything else.
At father's house, in the beginning of the summer, I was introduced to someone who I would hate for
a very long time: Leo Bubenheim. Alex Bubenheim married a German woman named Karina who had
just moved to the U.S. with her two kids: Leo and Pollina, who became Alex's step-children. They would
then always come over as a family. Leo was 12 years old, and Pollina was a year younger than me. My
fear of girls made me keep my distance from Pollina. She was a total bitch anyway, and her attitude
would only get worse. She is a true representative of everything I hate about women.
When I first met Leo, I didn't think much of him. He was only twelve years old. I just thought of him as
Lukas's new older brother. I had no inkling of how much I will envy and hate him later on.
Soon enough, my jealousy of Leo began to manifest. He had just moved to the U.S. from Germany,
and yet he was already able to make lots of friends and had a great social life. He was tall, good looking,
blonde-haired, and a skateboarder; the type of person I've always envied and wanted to be.
Me, my father, and the Bubenheims all went on a camping trip to Big Bear. It was just the boys. We
drove deep into the wilderness in my father's big, formidable Lexus SUV. After setting up our tents, we
built a nice fire to gather around and tell stories. It was quite fun, and it made for a small respite from
my lonely life, though I had to suffer the presence of Leo and deal with my jealousy of him. One time
during the trip, my father made me take Leo and Lukas out exploring. The three of us covered a lot of
ground, and I tried to act tough in front of them by slashing my knife at any plant that got in our way.
The 4th of July of this year was the day I saved my little brother's life from drowning. I went with my
family to Antje and Gary Twinn's house, as they always had a 4 th of July party. The Bubenheims were
there, including Leo and Pollina. So was Vincent Twinn, who had grown up quite fast. The last time I saw
him, he was the little kid who looked up to me when I showed him all of my computer games. Now he
was just becoming a teenager, with an interest in skateboarding.
The party was a pool party, and my brother Jazz had full exposure to the swimming pool. He had
already learned how to walk, but he couldn't swim. At one instance as I was eating lunch, I saw Jazz
quickly run off from the adults, completely unattended. I then watched as he curiously examined the
water, and then descended into steps of the shallow end of the pool. Before long, he lost his footing on
the steps and his whole body sank into the water. Nobody noticed. He was going to drown, I thought
with panic. I ran as fast as I could, plunging into the water with my clothes still on, and pulled him out. I
asked him how he was doing, and he coughed up some water and told me he felt fine. The only person
who saw this happen was a little girl who was swimming in the shallow end. I saved his life, and my
brother remembers it to this very day. Every single second of my brother's life, everything that happens
to him in the future, will exist because I pulled him out of the water that day.
I celebrated my 16 th Birthday at mother's house. She bought me an Xbox 360, which had just been
released. I didn't play it yet though, because the only game I wanted for it was Halo 3, which was set to
come out in November. I was really looking forward to that game. It was supposed to be the best Halo
game of all time. After I blew out my candles, I remember going outside and sitting by my mother's pool
to contemplate my life. Sixteen... what an age to be. I still felt like I was twelve. Most teenagers will start
driving at this age... I couldn't even fathom myself driving. The thought of it scared me.
James came for a sleepover shortly after my birthday, and he helped me set up my Xbox 360. We
played a round of Halo 2 to test it out. He didn't bring his computer, because he had a desktop that was
hard to transport, so I suggested that we go to Planet Cyber to play WoW together. Our parents
dropped us off there and we had a good WoW session. It was nice to see that place again, to reminisce
of happier times. I proposed, for nostalgia's sake, that we walk home for the way back. My mother's
new house was three times the distance from Planet Cyber as her old blue house, but I really wanted to
do it. On the way, we passed by that little blue house, and all of the memories came back. The two of us
talked a lot, and shared some laughs. It was a very memorable night.
16 Years Old
As summer's end drew closer, I became more and more depressed. My life had gotten so lonely, and
playing WoW barely made up for it. My mother noticed this and proposed that I get together with Philip
again. She called Philip's mother Kathy to arrange a meetup. And so Philip came over twice during that
summer. I quite liked seeing him again... it was two years since the last time we spoke. Though he had
no interest in my video games, he enjoyed playing in my mother's swimming pool.
I had one playdate with Jeffrey as well. Philip and his family went on a vacation to Catalina, and
Jeffrey wanted to stay at home. I went to his house for a sleepover with just him there. Jeffrey had
changed a lot. He was now Fourteen, and he told me he had a girlfriend. I was shocked, amazed, and
envious. I wondered how an immature brat like Jeffrey could have a girlfriend at such a young age. I had
the dreaded suspicion that he had already had sex with her, and I tried not to think about it. I was
deeply jealous, but for the sake of our past friendship and the good times we had together in the past, I
hid that envy well enough.
Eleventh Grade at Independence began. I still took the bus to school, as I had no desire to learn how
to drive at that age. I was way too afraid of even trying it out. Driving is something that adults are
supposed to do, and I still felt like a child.
I continued on with my lonely routine of doing my schoolwork in the morning and playing WoW with
James, Steve, and Mark for the rest of the time. I gave no thought to my future at all. I just lived in the
moment, in my comfort zone.
My sex drive was at its peak at this age. Whenever I got back from school, I had to masturbate. The
urge was too strong. During my masturbation sessions I often built elaborate fantasies in my mind that I
had a hot, blonde-haired girlfriend to have passionate sex with; almost like having an imaginary
girlfriend. I told no one about this. In fact, I didn't talk to my parents at all about my sexual
development. I felt too guilty and embarrassed about it. Whenever they probed me, I lied to them,
telling them that I had no sex drive. My mother once caught me looking at pictures of girls online, and I
franticly had to convince her that I stumbled on those pictures by accident.
I also noticed that my voice was getting deeper. I was starting to sound like an actual teenager. The
last stages of puberty were over.
Halo 3 came out in November. I got my mother to buy it for me on the very day it was released. I had
a lot of fun playing it while drinking the special mountain dew flavor that was released with the game;
Mountain Dew Game Fuel, it was called. The game definitely lived up to its expectations, and to my
surprise I found myself playing it more than WoW for the first couple of weeks.
Father suffered through a deep financial setback because of his movie. Could things get any worse for
me? As a result, my father abruptly cut off all of the child-support payments he was paying my mother.
My mother was forced to find a better-paying job to make up for it, and she had to move out of her
house to a condominium close by.
Thankfully, Rob Lemelson offered her a job in his production company, Elemental Productions. This
new job enabled my mother to make enough money to live comfortably. We hadn't seen the Lemelsons
much since the last time we went trick-or-treating with them years ago. It was good to reconnect with
I missed mother living in an actual house, but at least the new place was a condominium, with more
luxuries than the apartment we once lived in. The condominium had three bedrooms, and my room had
its own bathroom. The bad part about this condominium was its location in Canoga Park, a lower-class
area. I hated telling people that my mother lived in Canoga Park. It was highly embarrassing for me. But
alas, in that lonely and depressing stage of my life, there was no one really to tell, and I barely cared
about what people thought of me anyway. I was a complete dork, stuck in my own little world.
An exchange student from France moved into my father's house. His name was Max Bonon, a
cultured, outgoing nineteen-year-old French guy. His parents are very wealthy hotel owners, and he
would be staying with us for a few months while he studies English at Pierce College. At first, I wasn't so
sure about having this young person lurking about, but we soon developed a good friendship. He always
invited me to play cards with him after dinner, and though Soumaya didn't let me drink alcohol, he
would always sneak me a beer. It was really nice to have that regular social interaction. I became really
fond of Max.
In just two weeks after Max arrived, we got the news that Soumaya's father died in Morocco.
Soumaya immediately left for Morroco, and she took baby Jazz with her. Though I was really sad about
the death of Soumaya's father, as he was a very kind and generous man, I was glad to see Soumaya
gone. Father's whole household changed for the better. I started to love going to father's house,
especially with Max there. He was like an older brother to me.
My mother became really close friends with the Lemelsons due to her new job. Every year, they have
an extravagant Christmas party at their newly built mansion in the Palisades, and we would now be
invited to it. James also went to the party, and I had a pleasant time hanging out with him and Noah.
During one week at father's after the New Year, father had to leave for his work. For that week it was
just me, my sister, and Max in the house. The three of us had a lot of fun together. Max took us to
Universal Studios. Father allowed him to drive the big Lexus, for which I was a bit jealous. The last time I
was at the Universal Studios amusement park was when I just moved to America. Mother took us to the
Universal city walk a couple of times, but never the amusement park. I went on all of the rides, including
the infamous Jurassic Park ride that I was rejected from going on when I was a child.
When father came back, we talked to him about our time at Universal Studios. He suggested that we
all go to Six Flags. The four of us set out for it the next day. Six Flags was the biggest amusement park
I've ever been to. I was awed by all the gigantic roller coaster rides. Max, my father, and even my little
sister were all eager to tackle the largest roller coasters. I was the only one who was scared out of my
mind. Max talked me into it, so I nervously gave all of the rides a try, and ended up having some fun.
To my chagrin, my father decided to take up motorcycle riding. He pulled up to the house one day in
a roaring Harley Davidson, and I was completely baffled. I suppose it was due to some mid-life crisis he
was going through. A motorcycle... Really? Alex Bubenheim got him into it. He and Alex would then ride
their motorcycles all the time. He kept insisting that he take me on the motorcycle whenever we went
out, instead of going in the car. This would be too embarrassing for me, and I adamantly refused to ever
go on the motorcycle.
I went with mother to the red carpet premiere of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
This was my fourth premiere. Going to premieres were always an uplifting experience for me. The movie
was quite a disappointment, however, and I much preferred the classic Indiana Jones films. The next
day, I told some of my teachers that I went to this premiere, and they were very shocked. I bet I was the
first kid at that school who has done such prestigious things.
Soumaya and Jazz returned from Morocco. I was happy to see my baby brother again, but not so
happy to see Soumaya. Things were a lot better at father's house when she was gone. Soon after she
came back, we started getting into various arguments again, which embarrassed me in front of Max.
In the Spring, something horrible happened that will haunt me forever. We met up with the
Bubenheims at the Sagebrush Cantina in Calabasas, and a friend of Pollina's was there with them,
named Nicole, a girl around my age. She sat next to Leo the whole time, and by the end of the dinner,
the two of them were making out. Twelve-year-old Leo was making out with a girl who was almost my
age. Not only does Leo have a better social life, but now he was making out with girls, AT AGE TWELVE!
They made out for a long time, and I could see them tongue kiss. They knew I was watching with envy,
and they still did it. I bet that lucky bastard took great satisfaction from my envy. There I was, watching a
boy four years younger than me experience everything I've longed for... to kiss a girl... to be worthy of a
girl's attraction. On that day, I developed a vicious hatred for Leo that will never go away.
A few days later, Max went home to France, never to come back again. I was deeply saddened by this.
For the brief period that Max was staying at father's house, I enjoyed life a lot more. He was a big part of
my life there. He drove me to places when father and Soumaya were busy, we played card games and
had pleasant conversations after dinner, and we always took walks to the top of the hill overlooking
father's neighborhood, which I called the Overlook. Most importantly, he made me feel less lonely. I was
very saddened by his departure.
Another horrible experience concerning the Bubenheims occurred. We were having dinner at their
house, like we usually did. At the end of the dinner, a few of Pollina's friends came over. They were all
popular, good looking girls and boys. They were the kind of people who I've always had the desire to be
a part of, but was never able to fit in with. Popular kids... cool kids. When I heard them talking about
their awesome lives and their parties, I had a breakdown right then and there. I realized how much I've
been missing out in my life, and I cried in front of everyone. I felt like I would never have a life as good as
theirs. I told everyone that I wanted to commit suicide. Father, Soumaya, Alex, and Karina talked to me
for three hours to cheer me up.
Eleventh Grade at Independence ended. Like the previous year, my time at the school went by like a
blur. I didn't talk to anyone. I barely considered it a part of my life. I just did the work that I was required
to do while I waited for the bus to take me home.
Once summer started, I sank into a major depression. My feelings of inferiority were intensified by
the recent events with the Bubenheims. The Bubenheims were family friends... but now they
represented the very thing that destroyed my whole life and took away my happiness.
It was at this time that I was just beginning to realize, with a lot of clarity, how truly unfair my life is. I
compared myself to other teenagers and became very angry that they were able to experience all of the
things I've desired, while I was left out of it. I never had the experience of going to a party with other
teenagers, I never had my first kiss, I never held hands with a girl, I never lost my virginity. In the past, I
felt so inferior and weak from all of the bullying that I just accepted my lonely life and dealt with it by
playing WoW, but at this point I started to question why I was condemned to suffer such misery.
There was nothing I could really do about my unfair life situation. I felt completely powerless. The
only way I could deal with it was to continue to drown all of my troubles with my online games. I played
WoW really hard, leveling two new characters to 70. At mother's house, I sometimes played it for
fourteen hours a day. James, Steve, and Mark would always joke that there was never a time that they
saw me offline. I was known as the guy who was "always on WoW".
My laptop was getting slower and slower. It wasn't a very powerful laptop, but it was the only
computer I had to play WoW on. This was really frustrating me, because eventually it became so slow
that it ruined my gaming experience. I kept pestering my mother and father to get me a faster laptop
that was more efficient for gaming.
For my 17th Birthday, my parents agreed to split the funds for a new laptop. My mother took me to
Best Buy to choose it out, and I found the perfect one. It was a larger, highly efficient dark-colored
laptop designed for gaming. After we bought it, we had dinner at the Japanese restaurant Kabuki on
Ventura Boulevard, the same restaurant my mother took me to after my 5 th Grade graduation.
17 Years Old
Father told me that Max invited me to visit him in France for three weeks. I would have to travel
there alone, and Max would pick me up at the airport near his hometown of Montpellier. At first I was
very anxious about it, and I was about to say no. Father talked me into it, saying that I was lucky to have
an opportunity like this. I really missed Max, and I wanted to see him again, so I quickly made the
decision to go.
I left around the beginning of August. This was my first time traveling alone, and I didn't know what
to expect. Father signed me up to have supervised travel assistance to help me along the way, otherwise
I would get lost in the airport. On the way there, I made a stop in Frankfurt, Germany to transfer planes.
Germany became another country I can add to the list of places I've been. When I arrived at the airport
in France, I waited for a few hours and finally Max showed up. I was really happy to see him. I couldn't
believe I was actually in France again. It had a romantic and cultured vibe to it.
It was such a pity that I was too caught up in my own world to truly appreciate it at the time.
Max introduced me to his life in France. I met with some of his friends and we went to bars together.
In France, the legal drinking age is 16, so I was able to drink alcohol at a bar. It was astounding! For
those three weeks, I had the faintest taste of what life was like for normal young people. The experience
of hanging out with a group of young people, boys and girls, and enjoying life was something I never did
before. It really turned my whole world around, for that short amount of time. So this is what everyone
else gets to experience, I thought to myself with jealousy. I felt a sense of happiness and bliss that I
hadn't felt since childhood, when life was good.
During the trip, we visited the town of Aries where we stayed in the hotel that Max's family owns.
Max told me about all of the sexual experiences he had. I never knew he had such an active sex life. The
more he talked to me about it, the more envious I became. I questioned to myself why he got to
experience such an amazing life, while I had to suffer so much loneliness and humiliation. I was
introduced to some of the girls he had sex with in the past, and they were all pretty. On top of that, his
family was extremely wealthy and they owned a sprawling mansion in the countryside. Where's the
justice? I thought. Why couldn't I have been born into that life? I envied Max so much. His life must have
been heaven on earth. Despite my envy of Max, I couldn't hate him, at least at that time. He was the
only popular young person who ever reached out to me. He invited me to visit his home, and he treated
me like a friend. For that, I will always have a grudging respect for Max Bonon.
After three weeks in France doing exciting social things, I returned to my lonely life in the U.S., where
I became even more depressed than I was in the beginning of summer, especially after getting a taste of
what life was truly like for normal people. I knew I could never live such a pleasurable life, and the
knowledge haunted me. I was back to my routine of World of Warcraft. At least the new expansion was
coming out soon, and I tried to look forward to that.
When Twelfth Grade began, I made a vow to finish high school before the month of March. The high
school system at Independence allows students to work at their own pace, so the more extra work I did,
the sooner I could graduate. I was always depressed and bored for the few hours a day I had to spend
there, and I disliked all of the degenerate, low-class students there. They repulsed me. I wanted to get
out of there as fast as I could, and it became my goal for the year. At the end of school time every day I
asked my teachers to give me extra homework assignments, and I stopped myself from playing WoW
until I completed them.
The second expansion for World of Warcraft finally released, called Wrath of the Lich King. When I
got home from school, I wanted the game so badly. Mother wasn't home from work yet, so she couldn't
drive me. I decided to walk all the way to Best Buy to pick up the game. It was a long walk that took
almost an hour. On the way home I was very hungry and stopped at Panda Express to eat lunch. Planet
Cyber was right next to that Panda Express, so I walked in there for a few seconds to reminisce about
better times before hurrying home to install the game. Once it was installed, James and I played it
together all afternoon.
I found out that one of my teachers at Independence, Mr. Perales, also played WoW. From then on,
the two of us would talk about the game every day. It was nice to have someone at school to talk to, and
I enjoyed telling him about my daily progression with my character. This made my time at school a lot
less mundane and boring.
James, Steve, and Mark were the closest thing I had to a group of friends. I played with them online
almost every day. We had so many adventures in WoW as a group, and yet... I felt like the outcast of the
group. Steve and Mark only considered me an online friend, never a real friend. I found out that the
three of them had WoW meet-ups at one of their houses a lot, and they never invited me. Sometimes,
when I would be playing with them online, I would find out that they were all together in real life, and I
was the only one left out. Whenever they did this, I acted bitter towards them through the game, but
they didn't even care. Even in the World of Warcraft, I was an outcast, alone and unwanted.
The more lonely I felt, the more angry I became. The anger slowly built up inside me throughout all of
the dark years. Even after the release of the new WoW expansion, I noticed that the game's ability to
alleviate my sense of loneliness was starting to fade. I began to feel lonely even while playing it, and I
often broke down into tears in the middle of my WoW sessions. I began to ask myself what the point
was in playing this game anymore. I spent less and less time playing it.
One day I found some posts on the internet about teenagers having sex, and I was once again
reminded of the life I had been denied. I felt that no girl would ever want to have sex with me... And I
developed extreme feelings of envy, hatred, and anger towards anyone who has a sex life. I saw them as
the enemy. I felt condemned to live a life of lonely celibacy while other boys were allowed to experience
the pleasures of sex, all because girls didn't want me. I felt inferior and undesirable. This time, however,
I couldn't just stand by and accept such an injustice anymore. I refused to continue hiding away from the
world and forgetting about all the insults it dealt to me.
I began to have fantasies of becoming very powerful and stopping everyone from having sex. I
wanted to take their sex away from them, just like they took it away from me. I saw sex as an evil and
barbaric act, all because I was unable to have it. This was the major turning point. My anger made me
stronger inside. This was when I formed my ideas that sex should be outlawed. It is the only way to
make the world a fair and just place. If I can't have it, I will destroy it. That's the conclusion I came to,
right then and there.
I spent more time studying the world, seeing the world for the horrible, unfair place it is. I then had
the revelation that just because I was condemned to suffer a life of loneliness and rejection, doesn't
mean I am insignificant. I have an exceptionally high level of intelligence. I see the world differently than
anyone else. Because of all of the injustices I went through and the worldview I developed because of
them, I must be destined for greatness. I must be destined to change the world, to shape it into an
image that suits me!
At the beginning of the winter break, I decided to quit playing World of Warcraft entirely. On my last
day on the game, I had a long, emotional conversation with James where I opened up about all of my
troubles. I told him about all my newfound views of the world, and my belief that sex must be abolished.
He seemed to be supportive of my stance, and I was glad that he understood me. It was a very
My father's movie was released, but it did not do well at all. He was only able to get it released in a
few select theatres, and no one was interested in seeing it. He stupidly invested all of his money into the
movie, and he got absolutely nothing out of it. This caused him to fall into a financial crisis that he will
be stuck in for a long time. I was annoyed that he kept having to make it clear to us that he was now in a
"financial crisis". He talked about it all the time, and it was embarrassing.
What a bitter coincidence, that right at the point when my life fell even deeper into agony, my father
is cursed with this financial crisis. Right at the time when I needed my father's support the most, he lost
all of his assets. It was as if some malevolent being cursed me with bad luck. I truly had no advantage at
all. The universe was not kind to me.
I formed an ideology in my head of how the world should work. I was fueled both by my desire to
destroy all of the injustices of the world, and to exact revenge on everyone I envy and hate. I decided
that my destiny in life is to rise to power so I can impose my ideology on the world and set everything
right. / was only seventeen, I have plenty of time. I thought to myself. I spent all of my time studying in
my room, reading books about history, politics, and sociology, trying to learn as much as I can.
I became a new person, furiously driven by a goal. My torment would continue, but I had something
to live for. I felt empowered.
ent over to James's house to have a sleepover. Usually when I went there we spent the whole time
playing WoW, with the exception of walking to town for lunch. Because I quit WoW, this was the first
time we had to find other things to do. We spent most of the time going on walks around the Palisades
town center, or along the Palisades Bluffs, talking about our views of the world and our hopes and
dreams. I told him more about my hatred of people who have sex. James quickly deduced the reason for
why I was so fervent about abolishing sex... that in truth I really want to have sex but I feel like I can
never have it, so I wish to take it away from everyone else. He read me very well. I had to admit that he
was right. That is the exact reason for it.
I fulfilled my vow of finishing high school by March. In fact, I finished a bit earlier than I expected - in
mid-February. I completed so many homework assignments towards the end, especially since I no longer
played WoW. I was glad to be done with it. School was finally over. Not having to go to school anymore
gave me a lot of free time to think and brood.
As time progressed, I realized how hopeless everything in my life was. The chances that I will ever rise
to power and right the wrongs of the world were extremely slim. I had absolutely no idea or plan of how
to acquire any sort of power. It was naive of me to think that I could one day become a dictator. The
only thing I could do was fantasize about it.
My whole world twisted even deeper into darkness and despair as my depressing life continued on.
My hatred for people who have sex festered inside me like a plague. I frequently went on walks around
town to brood over how hopeless and unfair everything was. It was better than being stuck in my room
all the time. When I saw young couples walking around at the mall, my anger and hatred intensified
greatly. It was the worst torture ever to see them making out and being intimate. My life, if you can call
it a life, was living hell.
My parents quickly took note of how radical I was becoming, and they made a hasty plan to change
my life. Of course, that is what they claimed. I think they were just trying to find a way to get rid of me
because I was too hard to deal with. Soumaya was going back to Morocco, and they decided to send me
with her. It was the most ridiculous plan I've ever heard.
They announced this to me at a cafe near my mother's house. I was expecting something extreme,
something drastic, but this? It completely caught me off guard. Morocco? They think I'll be happy there?
I furiously thought with disbelief. I was devastated, and for a moment I couldn't even speak. The last
thing I wanted was to hide away in a backwater country with nothing to do, while all of my peers enjoy
life in the U.S. I didn't want to run away from my troubles in the U.S., I wanted to confront them. I just
didn't know how. Going to Morocco was the absolute worst solution for me, and they intended for me
to stay there for a long time.
After hearing this news, I felt a sense of urgency that I had never felt before. They already had a plane
ticket ready for me, and I was scheduled to leave in five days. My immediate goal was to stop my
parents from sending me to Morocco. Throwing a tantrum with my mother didn't work. She was set on
I spent the remaining five days at father's house. While there, I chose not to protest at all, because I
knew it wouldn't work. They will force me onto that plane one way or another. I decided to keep quiet
and devise a plan of escape. I bided my time, and didn't talk much to father or Soumaya during those
last few days. The plan I came up with was to run away on the morning before the flight, walk all the
way to my mother's condo, and hide in a secret spot on the roof. It would be a place where they least
expected me to be.
I kept quiet in the last couple of days to throw off their suspicion, but that backfired and made them
even more suspicious. I suppose they expected me to protest about going, and my silence made them
think I was up to something.
When the time came, I decided to get up at 4:00 a.m. to prepare. To my dismay, I noticed that my
father set an alarm on the front door. I was planning to run away at 6:00 a.m., when the garbage truck
arrived, because the noise from the truck would mask any noise I make while leaving. The alarm,
however, would definitely alert father and Soumaya. I got too nervous and abandoned that idea.
Instead, I waited until everyone woke up and had breakfast. My plan was ruined by the alarm, and I had
to come up with a new plan fast! I had little time left. I innocently told father I wanted to go on a small
walk before the departure, and as soon as I exited the front door, I bolted at full speed. It was hasty, but
I had to do something. I didn't think father would catch on to my deception so quickly... After only
clearing one block, I looked behind my shoulder and saw father chasing after me. All of my hope
collapsed then and there, and I lost all of the fight in me. I stopped running and put my head down in
defeat. Soumaya came in the car minutes later, and they both took me home. The plan failed. I was
going to Morocco.
The journey to Morocco was the most horrendous travel experience I've ever had. It was just me,
Soumaya, and four-year-old Jazz. Jazz kept screaming and vomiting on the plane, Soumaya was in a sour
mood, and I was completely miserable. I thought my whole life was all over. I had nothing to look
forward to in the future. I wanted to die.
Once I got there I felt like all of the life in me had drained out. I was so defeated. I couldn't help but
cry all the time, even in front of Soumaya's relatives. Khadija didn't understand why I was so upset, and
she got offended that I was crying on the first day at her house. It was a complete disaster.
I kept dreaming of home. I thought of the prospect of being able to return home, and a small hope
sparked in me. I kept emailing my mother frequently, telling her how much I hated being there and how
much I cried all the time. I told her that if she would give me one more chance and enable me to come
home, I will try harder to lead a better life and become a person she could be proud of. After a week of
doing this, mother gave in and flew to Morocco to take me home. I won. I was going home.
When I returned to the U.S., I felt so relieved that I forgot about my troubles for a few days and
relaxed. It was good to be back home. This is where my fight is, right here in the U.S., and nowhere else.
The sense of elation I felt soon wore off. My lonely life as a social outcast resumed.
I continued going on my usual long walks every day, feeling angry and hateful towards the world.
During mother's week, I would walk to the mall and sit on the balcony overlooking the food court next
to the AMC theatres. There I would see all of the young couples lining up to see a movie, and I boiled
with hatred. During father's week, I walked to the Calabasas Commons nearby, and sometimes I rode
my bicycle. I also walked up the hill near my father's house to the Overlook. I spent a lot of time up
there, contemplating about my life and fantasizing about becoming powerful enough to punish
everyone I hate.
On one dreadful day, when I was riding my bicycle near Calabasas, a group of popular teenagers in an
SUV drove by and made fun of me. I suppose my appearance didn't help with that. I looked exactly like
the outcast I was. I was still wearing plain polo shirts and khaki pants at the time, covered with a blue zip
up hoodie and a black baseball cap. It was a torturous experience, and the pain I felt from it never went
away. All I wanted was to fit in with those popular kids who lived such pleasurable lives, but instead I
was ridiculed and reviled by them. They made me feel so inferior and undesirable. I will never forget
that experience. It was burned into my memory.
My misery became harder and harder to bear, and none of my parents understood my plight. My
father thought that all was well with me. How could he be so blind? He was so caught up in his failing
work that he didn't care about how my life was turning out. I cursed him for it. My father never made
any effort to prepare me for facing such a cruel world. He never taught me how to attract girls. He never
warned me that if I didn't attract girls at an early age, my life would fall into a miserable pit of despair!
Again... How could he be so blind? I asked myself constantly.
It all came to a climax on one of the days that I walked to the Calabasas Commons. I treaded through
the area with my head down, all alone, in a state of complete despair about my life. I looked around me
and saw lots of young couples holding hands and groups of good looking teenage boys and girls walking
together and having fun on their Saturday night out. I saw all of those teenagers enjoying their
pleasurable lives together, while I was all alone. They were enjoying everything I couldn't have. I was
filled with intense anguish, and I quickly ran all the way back to father's house with tears pouring down
my cheeks. Once I got home I had a breakdown and cried for hours and hours into the night.